I really dislike the word "should." I mean it—I truly find that word frustrating. When people use it in therapy, I often stop them and ask why they feel the need to say "should." Whether it’s about what they should have done, what they should do, or even what they shouldn’t have said, it all conveys a sense of shame and blame that I believe has no place in our lives.
What's so bad about "should"?
Using "should" is fundamentally a judgment. When we apply it to ourselves, we imply that we’re not doing something right, that we’re falling short, or that we’ve made a mistake in someone else's eyes. This type of language reinforces a narrative of inadequacy. For instance, if someone says, "I should be more productive," it suggests that their current level of productivity is not good enough. This thought can spiral into feelings of guilt or frustration, making it even harder to take action. No matter how we frame it, using "should" leads to self-criticism. We’re essentially being unkind to ourselves, and that’s something we can definitely do without.
Moreover, "should" carries an air of rigidity. It implies a definitive right or wrong, leaving little room for nuance or personal circumstances. Life is often complex, and the paths we take are influenced by a multitude of factors. By clinging to "should," we risk overlooking the context of our decisions and the challenges we face.
What other word "should" we use? (see what I did there)
Now, let’s consider the alternative: "could." The word "could" opens the door to possibilities. It introduces a sense of flexibility and invites exploration. When we say, "I could have done something differently," we acknowledge the potential for various outcomes without the weight of judgment. This subtle shift in language encourages us to reflect on our choices and consider alternative perspectives.
For example, instead of feeling guilty for not exercising more often, we might say, "I could explore new ways to incorporate movement into my day." This approach fosters a mindset of growth and curiosity, allowing us to evaluate what might work better for us rather than getting stuck in a cycle of self-blame.
Replacing "should" with "could" creates a more compassionate internal dialogue. It allows us to think critically about our situations, leading to deeper self-awareness and understanding. With "could," we can ask ourselves questions like: What would have felt right in that moment? What are my options moving forward? This mindset not only helps alleviate pressure but also empowers us to make choices that align with our values and circumstances.
In summary, while "should" enforces a rigid framework that often leads to self-judgment and dissatisfaction, "could" invites exploration and kindness towards ourselves. Embracing this shift in language can significantly impact our mental well-being and how we navigate our lives. Let’s give ourselves the grace to consider the possibilities and recognize that we are all doing the best we can.
